Growing up
Growing up in a Christian home meant going to church every Sunday and having parents who trained you in their image of godliness. However, I didn’t follow this path and my life was very far from holy.
As I grew up, I elevated in my rebellion and at one point had literally lost my conscience and did whatever I wanted, without weighing the consequences. At a service I once attended, the pastor described ‘SIN’ as your life revolving around the middle letter ‘I’ and this was the perfect encapsulation of my life: It was all about me.
It worsened after I left Lagos for school in England because increased freedom + no Parents = No Rules, No Church. I wouldn’t say I ever felt like there was anything missing from my life. Nevertheless, I was never really satisfied and always sought more thrills.
When I first encountered God
I had given my life to Christ on several occasions because I would get in trouble with my parents and want to turn a new leaf but I always ended up returning to my old lifestyle. There was this one time when I was in a position where no one could help me and I couldn’t help myself. It was so bad I felt like I was dying. I remember crying out to God asking that he gave me a second chance. Immediately, I felt this rush of life flow through me and I couldn’t stop crying ‘cos I knew I was filled with joy and peace. That was the day my awareness of God became real and I knew he existed. From this point on I wanted to live for God but when I read my bible I would hear a voice saying ‘You can’t live for God. You’ll never be good enough for him.’
Due to my lack of understanding at that point that God doesn’t condemn us when we are in Christ (Romans 8:1), I let the voice weigh me down and so I gave up. God did not give up on me.
The surrender
I got into the University of my choice and was very excited and happy. University literally meant I could finally be the boss of my own life. I had loads of plans to take advantage of this total freedom but to my surprise God had bigger plans for me.
One day after an occurrence I just felt really empty and started to cry and straight away I knew what was missing: it was God that I had abandoned! I remember going to my room and reading my devotional for that specific day, which was talking about how God’s children who have gone astray need to come back to him and I definitely knew God was speaking to me. A voice inside of me said ‘if you continue living like this you are going to die’ and I felt it strongly. This was when I gave up trying to live for me.
Even If did not really understand everything about Christianity and was a bit scared, it was clear that God didn’t want me living in sin and if I continued I would end up just running back to him. He definitely wanted me and he wasn’t going to give up. After this day my life, nothing was the same.
My Christian Walk
God is still working on me and sometimes I still fall but as I read the word daily, confess, believe and yield to it, I grow more confident and keep falling in love with him and this empowers me to live for him.
One day when I was feeling guilty and looking at my life and questioning my salvation, God showed me a verse (Ephesians 2:8) which says;
‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.’
I have stuck with this verse ever since because it simply means that God loving us and saving us has nothing to do with us but rather due to his unconditional love for humanity. I believe it was an understanding of that verse and of God’s unfailing love for me that has pushed me daily to choose him first. God leaves me wanting more of him while filling me up.
‘God loves us the way we are but he loves us too much to leave us just as we are.’
I am truly grateful to him for his mercy that endures forever.