As Told By Ada: Get Your Money Up and Leave

As Told By Ada is a Culture Custodian weekly series exploring the unique and often chaotic experience of navigating life as the oldest daughter in a Nigerian household. Over the course of these mini therapy sessions, we give you a peek into the ups, downs and lingering effects of growing up “the first”.

When I was younger, I thought my childhood was somehow. My parents were very religious. Overly religious. There was the whole “girls shouldn’t wear trousers” thing, the “girls shouldn’t wear makeup” thing, we couldn’t have friends over  … just a whole bunch of stuff. 

My parents both worked. They weren’t around much, and somebody had to fill the parent gap. This was where I came in – I functioned as a parent from a very young age, looking after my siblings.

My dad was an Anglican priest, a “man of the cloth” but somehow, my mom was even more religious than he was. Her parenting style was from a place of fear, anxiety, panic, don’t join bad gang while my dad was simply ruling with an iron first. 

It was: don’t cross daddy, but avoid mommy. My mother would guilt trip me, emotionally manipulate me — you know how Nigerian mothers do. I preferred my dad’s meanness to whatever was going on with my mom. 

I have always had very glossy expectations of what a family should look like, inspired by TV shows and movies, but ours doesn’t look like that. Survival was what we ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner growing up, so the “love” part sort of fell through the cracks. My parents had us, we grew up together; it wasn’t much more than that.

Parents raise girls very differently. From when you’re really young, you are aware that you are the one steering the ship. The only way to escape that responsibility is if there’s a girl older than you. 

I started bringing out money to sort things in the house from as young as 23. 

The first big purchase I made was a washing machine because I just felt like if I didn’t do it, nobody would do it. My parents were getting old and by that point, my brothers were feeling too big to run errands. I just thought a washing machine could help here, so I bought it. Since then, whenever there was an issue in the house, it was me solving the problem. 

My parents appreciate it, which is funny because at first, they were fully against me starting the business that funded these home improvements. 

While I was in university, I received a monthly allowance. One day, I went to ask for my allowance as usual. When I got to the door, I heard my dad complain about the fact that I was always asking for money, then I heard my mom tell him that in the next two years, I would be done with school, so there would be no more allowance. I was shocked. I had been on an allowance for years at this point and I was not aware that it could stop. I had a lifestyle to maintain. Who would pay for my BlackBerry subscription? I realised I was in danger.  

The wheels started turning in my head and I started trying to figure out how to generate income. 

I decided that I would start selling hair. I mapped out my plan: go to Lagos, enter Balogun market and look for suppliers. I had never been to Lagos in my life. At the time, I was dating someone who had never been to Lagos either, but was doing his internship there. He agreed to accompany me on my mission.

By the time I was headed for Lagos, I had gathered over 130,000 naira which I used as my capital. The guy I was seeing brought about 40,000 naira to add to that and then we were in business. I went to Lagos, found suppliers and some of these suppliers I still use till today.

My parents were not happy about this business at all. My mom was not in support of me doing it  while I was in school, which I didn’t understand because she was such a doings babe — I literally picked the trait up from her! 

“I won’t hear the word “business” in this house! You must graduate with a 2:1!” 

Now I realise she was just scared. Anyway, I was determined and when I decide to do something, there’s really nothing that can stop me. I started my business and for the first year, they weren’t aware. By the time they found out, I had graduated, I was making money and I was supporting them at home so there really wasn’t much they could do about it.

There’ve been many more fights; my parents discovering my use of the internet — they did not take it lightly at all. Family members kept sending them my TikToks and Instagram posts saying I was smoking, wearing inappropriate clothes etc. There was a lot of heartbreak and the “perfect, hardworking child” image I had put up shattered. 

I had already left, so their anger really didn’t make much of a difference to me. This is why I always tell oldest daughters, “Get your money up and leave!” Money is your biggest protector, especially against abusive parents. I highly recommend disappointing your parents and making your own decisions. 2020 was our worst year. Battle tested years. 

We’re on the other side of the battles now, and while they’re not the happiest about what I wear, they’re happy to still be in my life and to be involved. If I tell my parents I’m going to elope today, they will ask, “Can we just attend, please?” 

I’m grateful for that because our relationship used to be very rocky. I didn’t feel like I knew who they were when I was younger, because they barely had my time. I was so hyper-independent, my parents failed me in so many ways in terms of actually parenting me. 

My aunt died last year and she was a very big part of our family. Nobody mourned. Things like this usually bring families together, but we didn’t have that. Everyone was crying for sure, because it sucked, but everybody was doing it in isolation. That, in its own way, broke my heart.

I feel like there is a type of relationship every parent should aspire to create with their kids, and it should be a  relationship where the kids can just talk to you like you are peers. You need to pay attention to your children. That a child appears to be self-sufficient doesn’t mean you should abandon them completely. 

I still take care of a lot of things at home, but thankfully, I don’t have much black tax. 

I have two parents, and my mom is still very much employed. My dad is the one that’s more of a responsibility. I send him a “salary” every month and then on his birthday, Father’s Day etc. and right now I’m thinking about replacing his television. I help my siblings out as well (nothing serious, I’m not their primary caregiver and everybody is grown) and some extended family if I’m feeling generous.

After I moved out, I questioned a lot of the things I was taught growing up. 

Having grown up in the church, I’m not really a fan of fellowships or organized religion as a whole. Which is weird because I literally grew up in church. I didn’t leave God though. Then I had a hard year that sort of drove me back to church. I was looking for a community, and it’s different from when I was growing up but it’s also exactly the same. I play the same music on the drive to church and I’m like, life is just repeating itself, the only difference is that I’m the adult now. It’s like my childhood but better. 

I’ve wanted kids since I was like 14 years old. That is definitely not a thing I’ve been groomed to want, I just know I’ll do a good job at parenting, because I know what not to do.

My mom used to lock herself away when she had to cry. I won’t do that. My kids will be familiar with my emotions and not in a burdening way, I would just like them to see the full range of my humanity. I’m not trying to be an impenetrable superhero, I want them to know I’m a person just like them, except I have more life experience and I’m older. 

Being the oldest daughter gave me severe depression. All that pressure, and for what? Nobody helps you unpack that, it’s just you. 

I feel like I finally saw the sun between 2020 and 2021. 

My childhood stunted my ability to form good relationships and my ability to know what a good relationship, a good friend looked like. My life was heavily burdened by sadness and then I started seeing  a therapist in 2019, which helped me greatly. I saw them every week for three years before I felt like I could breathe. 

I’m proud to announce that my personality is back to sunshine and I love it. I hope I never ever lose this spark and I want to remain like this for the rest of my life.