My First Time 2.0 #5

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Poster for the second edition of Culture Custodian's yearly feature, My First Time

My First Time was funny for lack of a better word. Let me take you through my day. Some friends and I were at the mall, we planned to go to a strip club that night. While at an Apple Store charging our phones, we asked an attendant about the area, she warned us against going there claiming “You can’t go to that area without getting robbed.” As we left the store, we were so sure we weren’t going on that adventure cos nobody’s tryna get robbed you know.

We caught an Uber and went back to where we were staying and kept saying to ourselves, tonight is going to be lit no matter what. We asked the Uber driver about the area and he admitted to knowing very little about the said neighborhood. Walking into our house we kept asking ourselves what we were going to do. We’d kind of decided we were going to a strip club but cos we weren’t in our city and on holiday we weren’t exactly the most conversant with the popping clubs in town. We asked a couple of friends and read reviews and decided we were going to give the one we’d been warned against a shot.

We prepped ourselves and all, ate good food and made sure we all had condoms. We were also wary of getting robbed so we all looked at our phones and decided our friend with the worst phone was the only one who’d take his phone. We also counted our money carefully and decided we would take only what we thought we needed. We also told ourselves, if we Uber to the door and Uber from the door, could  we possibly get robbed? We ordered our Uber van and as soon as the driver came we asked him about the area. We wanted him to convince us not to embark on what was sure to be a bad idea. He said to us “I’ve never heard anything good about that area.” We laughed but told ourselves we were still going there cos you only live once. We did what our Mothers would have wanted us to do: prayed as a group.

As we arrived at the club, we ran out of the Uber and straight into the club where we had to pay an entry fee. We sat around for a while and assessed the babes. I had the one I wanted but she kept disappearing. By this time, we had all realized we didn’t bring near enough money to the club and basically started moving money around. We didn’t take credit cards cos we were all too scared of getting robbed. After a number of friends had embarked on private sessions, I realized I was about $5 short of the general price for a private session and went to get the money from one of my friends. I genuinely just wanted a blowjob and I’d have been fine. I’d decided on a certain girl and said I wanted her, when I moved, she said she had a private show she was going for and I was ready to wait for her.

While waiting, some light skinned goddess walked in and signaled at me. Initially, I ignored her cos I’m a man who knows what he wants. I sat there for another ten minutes or so and the light skinned girl was back, this time I didn’t ignore her. I walked over to her and she said she wanted to show me a good time alone. I asked what she was ready for and she said something I thought was a blowjob (the music in the background didn’t help).

I asked how much and she replied $15 which was how much I had initially. I walked over to my friend and returned his $5 and then went upstairs with the girl to her room. She asked me to take off my clothes and then tried putting one of her condoms on me, I quickly whipped out my magnum because at least, I was certain it wasn’t going to break. She put it on my dick and then sucked it till I was as hard as a rock. I lay on the bed while she rode me and just sat there processing what was happening. In an rather short period of time (it wasn’t one minute please), I came and she laughed saying “Ah, you’ve not had sex in while for you to be that quick.” I laughed and said “Oh, I’ve not had sex for about 2 months now” knowing deep down I’d never had sex.

It ended as quickly as it started, she cleaned me up and I gave her the $15 and went back to meet my boys who patiently awaited my return. When I told them I fucked her, we all laughed and only of them knew it was my first time- he was surprised.

For me, it was nothing. I’d never really attached anything to my virginity and quite frankly, I was just happy, I’d finally fucked cos it was something that weighed on my mind. I can confidently say I do not regret it and I am happy there were no emotions involved in the whole thing cos that way, I couldn’t grow attached or anything of the sort. The circumstances were definitely not ideal but if your virginity means nothing to you, go to a strip club and fuck a stripper from Mozambique because you genuinely only live once!

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