My First Time 2.0 #8

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Poster for the second edition of Culture Custodian's yearly feature, My First Time

This feels mad weird to be writing out, but I guess I’ll just roll with it. My first time was with my boyfriend. We had been together for 3 months. Yeah. I’d been with guys before, in pretty long-term relationships, but I’d never quite wanted to push into that final step. They’d asked me, but I wasn’t ready. Um, a lot of it was religion – I’d been brought up with that “celibate till marriage” mentality and kind of had drilled it into my mind that I’d be damned to hell or something if I broke it.

So yeah, I never risked it. Then all of a sudden along came this guy, and I fell completely head-over-heels. He was a virgin too but wasn’t waiting for marriage necessarily, just to love and trust someone enough I guess, so he respected my boundaries. We were at his house, and… yeah. There’s no funny or dramatic story, it just kind of slipped from foreplay into sex. It felt like the normal thing to do. My friends had warned me that it’s really not anything like in the movies, especially when it’s the first time for both of you. There was a whole load of awkwardness and fumbling around in the dark, and he kept checking that he wasn’t hurting me or pushing me too far.

It’s not really romantic or sexy until you know what you’re doing. Afterwards, I waited for all that religious guilt to hit me, all the hell fire and brimstone that I was pretty sure was coming, but it never did. I thought I’d feel like the most terrible person in the entire world, that I’d betrayed my future husband and would be disgusted with myself for months on end. That’s what I’d been taught to expect.

That there was no coming back from it and to be very honest all I felt was relief. I’d made the decision to do what I wanted with my own body – which had been taken from me while I’d been following a pastor’s orders. It was the most liberating experience in the world.

I then completely ruined the moment and burst into tears, at which my boyfriend kind of freaked lmao! All in all I’m grateful that my experience was kind of unexciting but opened a whole door of confidence for me. We’re not together any more, we never will be, but I owe him for that.

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