Homecoming Series #7: Lagos, Breaker of Spirits

Moving back is nasty business if you are not ready. I decided to move back to Lagos because I was too lazy to apply to graduate jobs. My decision was haphazard; I had used all my energy at university and I couldn’t muster up the strength to do applications. That was the first error, moving to a different country because I couldn’t be bothered to enter a more competitive job market. The other thing was that I was tired of white people. I was tired of being in white spaces. I was tired of being the only black woman somewhere, and having to say witty things that were equal parts hilarious and non-provocative. The last thing was that I’m poor and I need to scrounge off my parents. So this trifecta of laziness, racial sensitivity and financial woes set me off to Lagos on the 5^th of October, 2015.

I have struggled with many little things, all of which can be neatly grouped into lack of independence and quality of life. The independence aspect really gets me because it’s so far-reaching. It has been hard adjusting to a lack of financial, social, and intellectual independence. Financial in the sense that, employers here seldom value graduates to the point of paying them a decent starting salary and as a corper, your salary is nothing short of a pittance. Asking your parents for money adds to the demoralisation. I struggled with a lack of social independence because Lagos is a ‘group place’ and it is difficult, and probably slightly unsafe, to go exploring on your own. I love taking walks alone, listening to music loudly and getting lost in my thoughts, but I’ve been advised to save that activity for a different country. I also struggled with a lack of intellectual independence since I have been discouraged from airing certain thoughts for fear of how they would portray me and my family to the general public. It has been hard being an unapologetic feminist who doesn’t believe in organised religion especially because people may attack not only me, but my parents as well.

The low quality of life here also takes some getting used to. It’s sad because low quality of life isn’t something anyone should have to ‘get used to’. I get the impression that a lot of Lagosians don’t even know they are suffering. Spending 2 hours or more in traffic everyday is disgusting, even if you’re doing it in a G-wagon. Being forced to buy land or pay rent at exorbitant prices, when there is little or no drainage, is fuckery. Being surrounded by a predatory police force and an even more predatory government which extracts tolls, taxes and our peace of mind is so unhealthy and stress-inducing. The scariest thing is knowing that you can enter a life-threatening situation at any time and you are on your own. I don’t know the number for an ambulance, or a fire service, or any emergency helplines. There is no sense of urgency to rectify this.

I hate the word ‘mistake’, because it concedes regret in such a total, final way. In the first few weeks, I was convinced that my presence in Lagos was just that, a huge fucking mistake. In retrospect, I was being bratty and dramatic. My parents probably hated me, because I just sulked. I was jobless and broody and annoying, and the city wasn’t helping. I’m finding my rhythm now, and there are many things I’m growing to love. I love that the whole place is absolutely hilarious. I love being near my parents. I love my small group of friends who never fail to add to the hilarity. Sometimes I love the weather; I love how the humidity makes my skin and hair look blessed. I love okro soup and having total access to it. Above all, I love Indomie. However, I find that these things are not enough. If I’m going to stay here I need more security. To women who are thinking of moving back for whatever reason, think long and hard about stepping back into the stone ages where gender equality is concerned. If you’re coming back to meet someone, I would advise staying where you are. You will meet frighteningly stupid men, and maybe one or two nice ones. It’s not worth relocating for. To the general public, make sure your mental resolve is very strong, because Lagos will break your spirit if you let it.