Why I’m Waiting #1

Ayomide, 22

In all honesty, I’m keeping myself just because of God. A part of me feels like that’s how it’s meant to be. Sometimes, I feel like I was born in the wrong era because I don’t feel sex is just to do with the physical, I think it affects the emotions more than we think (especially for girls/ladies). Even making out, you can feel the difference in making out with someone you are emotionally connected to and someone with whom there’s a lack of emotional attachment- the satisfaction (amongst other things) is greater.

I can’t say it is an easy thing though because I actually do have sexual urges like everyone else. Perhaps, even more. It isn’t a case of the opportunities failing to present themselves. It’s just something I decided not to do a long time ago and I’m sticking to it…by the grace of God. 

If God didn’t help me, I’ll definitely have written for the “My first time” series instead.

The earliest opportunity that I can remember, presented itself when I was about 14. At a conference which lodged various secondary schools in hotels, it just so happened that a girl that caught my eyes happened to be in mine. Now days went by, we talked and got close. One night she said she wanted to come over to my room and I approved (I was so naïve). My roommate left when he found out she was coming and I sat there thinking of other things until I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door; she came in and was wearing a robe that covered her night gown- it was short but I didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t know what was happening until I heard her lock the door and by the time I turned back, she had removed the robe and was now wearing a transparent night gown with only her panties under. At this point, I said in my head “God, if you don’t help me, I will wake up a different boy tomorrow”.

Now at this point, you’ll feel like you have an idea what happened but my dear friends, you’ll be so wrong. I was so stunned as this was the first time I saw a naked girl in the flesh. I started to back up onto the bed. Smart right? And she went to the other side of the bed and started rubbing my shoulders. I had already started saying to God in my mind “It was nice while it lasted”, but the strangest thing happened…..I fell asleep. Woke up the next morning wondering what happened- I didn’t know until I saw her the next day and she was mad at me and didn’t want to talk to me. I knew then that nothing happened.

Like I said earlier on, being a guy with this decision hasn’t been easy; not just ‘cos of the urges but also because society reinforces sex, as something a guy ought to do. People can be condescending about it and if you’re someone that’s moved by these things, you could become depressed which I was for a long time as a teenager. It affected me to the point that I started to withdraw from everyone, even my parents. The older I grew, I started to understand that it really doesn’t matter. I became quite open with everyone. Not like I would go to people and be like “Hi! My name’s Ayo (of course not) and I’m a virgin (you have to imagine the smile)” but then I was comfortable with who I was and could be honest about it. Since then, I’ve had so many close calls but I somehow came out unblemished. 

At a point I got addicted to porn and masturbation ‘cos I didn’t know how else to deal with it and I had somehow deceived myself into believing it was okay ‘cos I wasn’t having sex with anyone, after all. I snapped out of it after many years and started trying to stop, which was a very serious struggle as when the body wants something, it doesn’t exactly try to negotiate with you. It’s like when you’re hungry, the brain puts pictures of food in your mind to the point that you even dream about eating when you’re asleep and then it starts to affect the way you relate with people, the things you say and how you even say them. It took a while but I guess it’s like any other kind of addiction- every day’s a battle in the mind not to. It gets easier with God though.

When you are a guy with serious sexual urges and quite a number of people offering, doing it without God is like trying to avoid eating chocolate while working in a chocolate factory. It is possible but it’s just unnecessarily harder.