Letter to Bae

‘Bae

I hate that word. I know you do too. Like a score of our shared beliefs, it’s one of the reasons I have any regard for you. Then there’s that slightly bored expression. The one you have when I try to deconstruct our emotions. I hate that too. There’s that incredulous look where I can’t figure out if you’re amused or just so annoyed, it’s amusing. Yeah, I hate that too.

When you’re angry, it is unparalleled. Watching you explode is almost impressive. When that anger is directed at me, though, I sometimes quake. But I’d never let you see.

The light in your face, that burns from your eyes when you start to speak about deep seated passions, your dreams, your ambitions, and I’m left watching like an alien to the world that is your mind. It makes me wonder.. It makes me jealous.

With you; I learn the best of things. I learn the worst of things.

You embody Bukowski’s famous rally; that we are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us.

Like luck, we create our own love. So, I have to wonder if this is the love that I want.
If all you want is happiness, I’m not your girl. I cannot make you happy everyday of our lives together. However long that may be.

But I can give you a challenge. I can exhaust you. I can make you feel a host of emotions you won’t know what to do with: exasperation, desire, annoyance, anger. I can be your sanctuary. I can be your peace when the noise outside becomes too loud.

I’ve come to know you somewhat. And you are not perfect. Beautiful thing though is: I am.
So you need not be.
But then; perfect doesn’t ever equate to happy.

Once, you said I deserve better
Absent thought, I reassured you
But I know now that you were right
I do deserve better.
Yet I chose you.

So then; become a better man for me. To settle is to fail.
Impress me with how large you are able to dream and with each little step to put those dreams to bed.
But most of all; seduce me with the intensity of the love that you are able to wield.

You asked me once to forgive you. I couldn’t tell if in advance or for the recent past? Those words turned my belly with a sense of foreboding.
I don’t expect disloyalty. That is for lesser men.
But should I expect that you will soon bury that child; the one that I fell in love with. The one that inexplicably, only I can see in you?
Because if you do, and this I promise; there will only be heartache and anger down this road that we have chosen to travel together.
So I said a prayer for you today. I know that you don’t believe in them. I said it anyway, because if I can’t convince you, maybe God can.

Your arms around me right now; hearing my perfection in your voice, tasting your words- , that would be nice.
But I would much prefer for you to be out conquering the world. So that you can give it to me on a platter.
Sometimes I forget, that you don’t want to give me the world. You want me to take it with you. I forget. And it frustrates you.

They tell you, that when you love something, you should see it free. And it will find its way back to you.
I think that is madness.
But they tell you, that love too is madness.
Maybe that explains why are you in my head when I work. When I laugh and when I hurt.

I was scared to fall. I know you were too. We jumped anyway. And for a time we flew.
But then, a future isn’t built on such illusions.

As I write this, I can feel you smile. The smile that I’ve come to understand. The smile that means promise and excitement.
The smile that is but for a moment.
Because my instincts, young as they are, are rather uncanny. So yes, I realise that soon, we will want nothing of each other.
All I will ask is that you treat her better. Be worthy of her affection. Tell her whatever lies you need to.

For now
Catch my hips and make me dance
Sway with me, to the beating of my heart.
Catch my ear and make me blush
Whisper to me, like we’ve only just met.

A.Y.O