My Big Party

While I was in church during praise and worship they sang this song “I have made you too small in my eyes, Oh Lord forgive me… and I have believed in a lie that you were unable to help me” and I started to cry and it was not till we had to welcome each other that I almost poured out in tears. You see in my church we do this thing before the pastor preaches where we ‘turn to our neighbour’ and say “Jesus loves you, and there is nothing you can do about it”

I haven’t been to church in about 7 months. I tell people that it’s because there’s no one to take me and my Mum doesn’t make me, but I’ll be totally honest with you: I have been wanting spiritually. It’s no longer a struggle, it’s more like I have been sinning and loving it. There’s no other way to put it. So naturally I’ve been feeling guilty and unworthy of God’s love.

That is why I felt so overwhelmed in church. Putting it plainly I had forgotten who God was. But today I was reminded. How can I knowingly sin and He takes the time out to tailor a whole service for me? I came 30 minutes late for church because I wanted to miss the praise and worship and when I got in I was ushered to seat at the very front of the church. I felt so uncomfortable that every 5 minutes I got this urge to walk out of church. I kept on telling myself I didn’t deserve all the love and every second I spent in church I got reminded of this God. The God who loved me even when I didn’t love him.

And I felt so stupid that I had humanized God. That I think just because I sin the creator of heaven and earth will hold a grudge or that my sin is so big that it will make God take back his love. This stranger next to me told me “…there was nothing that I could do about it”. Meaning I could do the worst of the worst and He will still have his arms out like “Baby, are you okay?” This made me not want to sin and I was sitting in church thinking “ok, ok, I am done, what do I have to do now God?” and the funny thing is I don’t have to do a thing. Isn’t that crazy? I do not have to sit down and make a list of all the things I will stop doing and all the people I have to cut off. I just have to stop suffering in silence, admit I cannot do it on my own, give all my feelings to Him and come to him day after day.

Not that I am suicidal but I started to ask myself “what is the point? We know I am going to sin again, why not take me now that I have asked for forgiveness?” Then my pastor started to  talk about how we all have a God given purpose we are to fulfill and I felt God say “Am I not worth it?” “Am I not worth going through life for?” and of course He is… and He is not asking me to go into life to suffer He is saying “Baby, just seek first the kingdom of God and all things will be handed to me”.

And I was asking Him what if I fall back again and I fall back worse and I felt Him say “That will only show my Grace, and how I can make Holy out of anything” and the message in church was on the name of Jesus, so I am going to end this post with the verse I left church with “The name of the Lord is a strong tower, that I can run to and be safe” and that is everything to me right now, and it should be to everyone.

Because sometimes we can get off the wagon in our spiritual journey and then we are suffering and struggling with all those feelings of guilt and unworthiness but the earlier you call on God the better and if it’s any consolation to anyone the bible says that when you turn away from God and you come back there is a party in heaven for you.