Many people have imagined getting kinky in the bedroom. According to a report in The Journal of Sex Research issued in 2016, almost 47 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men have mused about exercising control over another person sexually, while a bit more women and a small number of men are excited by the thought of being controlled. The report also discovered that nearly 47 per cent of adults are willing to indulge in an unconventional type of sexual affair, and 33.9 per cent disclosed that in the past, they had experienced it multiple times.
This kinky feeling or desire to explore a different sexual activity can either be natural, or an identity discovered with time. People without an innate kink can discover BDSM in their adulthood to possibly revive their love life or to find pleasure in their desires. Having this desire is fun, however, exploring or practising BDSM openly in Nigeria is a different ball game.
What is BDSM?
BDSM, which is divvied up into bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism (or submission), masochism) is among the leading sexual kinks in the world. It is an umbrella term used to describe sexual practices involving kinks like exerting physical bondage, accepting and rejecting dominance, servitude, and the administering of pain. In this context, a kink means any sexual preference or activity considered unusual or strange. In other words, it is a practice that goes beyond conventional sex. Kinks include bondage, spanking paddles, degrading, role-playing and humiliation.
Bondage: It is the use of ropes, handcuffs or other restraints to limit your sexual partner’s movement. For some people, this type of control can increase sexual pleasure and encourage somatosensory (pressure, pain and warmth) sensations in various body parts.
Discipline: These are a set of rules and punishments collectively granted before a dominant partner exercises control over their submissive partner.
Dominance: This is a way of exerting control over a partner both in and out of sex. On a few occasions, dominants create plans with their partner’s authorization and control their behaviour in and out of the bedroom.
Submission: It means expressing submission to a dominant’s desires and actions. Submissives possess a great deal of control over determining what their dominant does to them. In a dominant and submissive relationship, communication is vital to give consent, establish boundaries and partake in wishes.
Sadism and Masochism or Sadomasochism: It is the happiness and fulfilment that a BDSM participant develops from either unleashing pain (sadism) or experiencing pain (masochism).
BDSM participants categorize themselves as either dominant, submissive, or switch (which means alternating between the initial two). A dominant person is often called the Dominant, Master, or Top and a submissive is called the Submissive, Slave, or Bottom. It’s crucial to note that these personalities are long-term and flexible, and can alternate depending on the partner or participants’ frame of mind.
BDSM In Nigeria
For many, living in Nigeria is overwhelming and draining. You can’t always openly express yourself so you are forced to put activities that are not considered ‘normal’ in the country, out of sight. Like sex, sexual identities or public display of affection, BDSM is a sexual preference that is considered bizarre and frowned upon in Nigeria. As a result, some kinksters can not publicly live out their BDSM fantasies or explore their kinky side in the country. Many fall back into the shadows, and the fortunate ones resort to carefully organized groups detached from people to meet their kind.
Explaining BDSM to an average Nigerian is not a walk in the park. People will deem you crazy, judge you, critique your practices and even claim you need divine intervention. A lot of these conclusions are drawn from a limited understanding of what BDSM really is. Many can not grasp the reasons why anyone would take pleasure in inflicting or receiving physical pain, being whipped, restrained or humiliated.
If you are familiar with Nigerians, you will know some are no strangers to abuse and they are famous for being hypocritical. Many try to appear like saints in public but practice some beliefs they oppose in private. It’s ironic how BDSM, or Sadism to be specific, is where some Nigerians may draw the line, but hitting children with a stick is acceptable. It’s not far-fetched to refer to Nigerians who hit their kids as sadistic if we are going by the definition of sadism. Chances are, the label will be rejected because of the sexual connotation attached to the word, and based on the notion that their behaviour is for correctional purposes and the other is for ‘sexual purpose’.
The differences between Nigerian sadism and BDSM sadism are, the former is similar to abuse, it’s not consensual, and the receiver most likely detests pain, while the latter is consensual and the receiver enjoys pain. Yes, consent is required in a dominant-submissive dynamic if not, it is sexual abuse or assault. Take sadomasochism, for example, consent is required because everyone involved has agreed that the play can be halted whenever someone becomes uncomfortable with the severity of the activity.
The BDSM Scene In Nigeria
Regardless of this negative discernment of BDSM by many, there is a BDSM scene blooming in Nigeria. BDSM in Nigeria is bigger than many people think; many have been studying and indulging in the BDSM lifestyle for a long time. Some have formed communities to help kinksters socialise and feel safe from judging eyes; others use BDSM as a source of income. Tega Maxwell is a kinkster who identifies as a top or dominant. He discovered BDSM through porn and practices interracial financial domination (findom). He explained, “centuries ago, the western countries like the Portuguese came to Africa and took our forefathers as slaves, now 400 years later, some feel they should pay black dominant as a symbol of reparation for the sins of their antecedents. I get paid by my white submissive through the internet.”
Within the shores of Nigeria, Tega practices BDSM differently. He still identifies as a top or dominant, however, he prefers to indulge in BDSM with older women or mature couples within the country. He explains his role, “I like mature women or cougars (35 upwards). Some are married, and others are not. With some, I indulge in rape fantasies (my job is to sneak in and act like a burglar. So I can slap her and we behave like it’s a rape scene). I use a rope on my submissives, meaning I am a rigger. I am also a bull for cuckold couples (couples can hire me to fuck their wife).”
It’s normal that the idea of rape fantasies may raise a brow. Incidents like rape are known to leave people traumatized, however, some people enjoy acting it out. Trauma on its own does not incite the desire to indulge in BDSM. Nevertheless, BDSM can create a safe and inspiring foundation for trauma survivors, who probably need to stifle their trauma by reenacting the scenario; in this instance, they dictate the results. The constant affection and interaction that members of BDSM communities demonstrate to one another also make it a comfort zone for trauma survivors to uphold and explore their sexuality.
Tega, as a dominant, fits the aesthetic of a typical Nigerian man unlike Chukwudi Uzor, a fellow kinkster who is submissive. An average Nigerian will question Chukwudi’s choices and preferences because not only is he into BDSM, his role is typically associated with women. This projection comes from a place of gender roles and disgust rather than praise. Chukwudi did some research on BDSM before he fully immersed himself in the idea over a year ago. He said “I am not going to say my BDSM experience has been rosy but it has been enlightening. After a few experiences, research, enquiries, and seeing movies, I officially got into the lifestyle in March 2021. I think it’s a journey because I am beginning to understand who I am and what I enjoy.”
Tega started a BDSM community to protect kinksters from scammers, and predators and keep them safe. He also hosts events to bring kinksters together. He said, “I created a community to solve the problems BDSM is facing in the country. If you go online, meet a dom and request a session, they will ask you to pay perhaps 50k and he will not show up. Your money is gone. In another case, you can meet a dom, he could tie you up and the next minute, you are dead. The fact that we have not heard stories about kinksters winding up dead doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Before someone joins the community I created, we know who they are. We hold BDSM parties, do matchmaking and teach people what they need to know about BDSM and beyond.”
In a place where many people are not in line with your beliefs, you have to be wary of who you meet online or reveal your sexual preference to. The internet is full of fake people and impersonators (people posing as kinksters), so it’s advisable to get to know people first before building trust. Depending on who you meet, It could take a while for you to trust them completely because not everyone has genuine intentions, so you try to take protective measures.
“You also have to trust your instincts and intuition to associate with certain people especially if you have a bondage kink. You can’t let a stranger tie you up. What if he or she kills you?” Amelia, another kinkster revealed.
Before a BDSM scene takes place, kinksters have a discussion and agreement on how they want to be treated both verbally and physically. This is also where consent comes in. After a BDSM session has occurred, kinksters consult their partners for feedback. They try to find out if the receiver or client is hurt and if they enjoyed the session. Tega said, “Before I meet my client, they tell me how they want to be treated. Those who enjoy pain tell me what they want me to use on them. After the session, I ensure they are okay. I get feedback from them before they go home to find out if they enjoyed what we just did.”
BDSM may not be encouraged in Nigeria but on the bright side, it is not illegal. According to Section 36 of the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, any offence that is undocumented or unpunishable by the law is not a crime. This means BDSM participants can not be arrested or punished if caught. It is unfortunate that despite this, people are still unable to freely express themselves out of fear of being harassed, judged or even killed. Thanks to rising BDSM communities, kinksters can find a place to feel safe and meet like minds.
