Sex is not something I ever gave any thought. However, I went to an all girl’s school where everything was a competition. Being one of the last to have my first kiss/everything else, I aimed not to be one of the last to lose my virginity (lowkey still was though). I hated that I couldn’t participate in conversations about sex in the common room, so the summer after my first year in A-levels I set out on the mission to lose my virginity. After exams, I started seeing this boy, it wasn’t anything serious. Just a summer fling. I knew that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, as we lived in different parts of the world during term time, but I enjoyed it while it lasted and I thought the best way to end it was to lose my virginity to him.
We never really spoke about it, but somehow on the day it happened we both knew it was going to happen. I don’t remember the sex apart from the excruciating pain of the initial thrust, but I remember everything else that was happening. I must have asked him why he wasn’t scared or panicking about 10 times before we got to it, and I made him switch off the light (it was broad daylight) and stopped half way through to go under the duvet because I realised that he could see me naked. I was thinking about what my mummy would do if she knew what I was doing and whether all my dead relatives could see me from heaven. How was I going to pick my clothes up from the floor after? All of these thoughts made me panic so I had an asthma attack to put the cherry on the cringe cake. It was over before I knew it, and so was that relationSHIT. We only did it the one time because I didn’t hear from him after that. This was easily the worst thing I have ever experienced, and it took me close to two years of therapy and a new relationship to pick up the pieces of my shattered confidence and self-esteem.
For a long time after that I was repulsed by boys/sex and couldn’t even bring myself to an emotional or even a physical connection to anybody. When I finally got round to it, it was almost as though it never happened the first time around, and the situation that caused me so much pain is now just a story. I’ve replaced the memory and my next time was just as painful, just as awkward and I was still asking the same questions.
There is some underlying wisdom when they say that the best way to get over someone is to get under a new one!