This is an honest post.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)
A forgiving spirit is not an easy spirit. Forgiving someone, who you trusted, depended on and made yourself vulnerable to, for betraying your trust is hard work. Some people hold grudges for years. Some people die still holding a grudge; still harboring a bitterness and anger; still wishing the worst for the person who betrayed them.
An unforgiving spirit is an unattractive spirit. An unforgiving spirit hurts you more than it hurts the person who hurt you. The person is living their life, moving past the hurt they caused you and all you’re doing is holding on to anger that, with a little extra effort, you could let go of.
Forgiving a person is hard, but forgiving yourself is twice as hard. Sometimes, after you’ve hurt yourself and put your heart, body and soul through the most emotionally traumatic experiences, you tend to roll over, shake yourself and carry on with your life.
Today, I want to urge you to slow down, take a deep breath and apologize to yourself. Make a list of the ways you hurt yourself and begin to slowly unravel and take new steps towards forgiveness. Do not underestimate how powerful forgiving yourself truly is. It’s quite possibly the bravest act you can ever do while you’re still young. If you let too much time pass, you might end up carrying all the anger and angst you have against yourself, into a new relationship.
I’ve had to forgive myself three different times in the span of three years.
The first, and only time I will mention, was in February of 2012. I was a senior, a few months away from graduating and my friends, who were as excited as I was to be leaving college, decided to host a massive party. There was a lot of alcohol. I didn’t need to drink. In fact, I’m certain I did not want to drink, but peer pressure is a dangerous thing. I ended up drinking too much, passing out and waking up in the hospital the next morning.
I forgave myself for spending the night in a hospital bed; for waking up to a doctor staring at me with a sympathetic look on his face.
I forgave myself for trusting people, who really weren’t my friends, to take care of me while I was severely inebriated.
Forgiving yourself begins with taking a long, hard look at the mistakes and decisions you’ve made during your emotionally reckless period. There’s a clear difference between a mistake and a decision that went awry. People tend to group every failed thought and action under the same “this was a terrible mistake” blanket.
- Telling a close female friend that her boyfriend may not have been the right choice was a mistake. It was a mistake because, even though she had asked for my opinion about their relationship, I had not anticipated her response, silence and eventual cold shoulder.
- Mixing liquors and taking shots with people I barely knew was a decision; a terrible decision but one I made with a clear, sound mind before eventually getting too drunk to function.
It’s embarrassing to admit that some of your carefully thought out decisions ended up biting you in the ass, but when you honestly think about it: coming to terms with your choices, successful or failed, is necessary for growth.
It’s easy and comfortable to label everything as a mistake, but forgiving yourself isn’t supposed to be easy.
Forgiving yourself is uncomfortable.
Forgiving forces you to humble yourself; to step down from your high horse and strip yourself; to look at yourself in the mirror long enough without shrinking back and hiding from your reflection. You’ve done yourself wrong and now you owe yourself an apology.
The journey to forgiving yourself will be arduous, long, painful, brutally honest, draining, and ultimately, rewarding. You will be at your most vulnerable during the journey; you will consider quitting – you may even quit – but, with the right dose of determination, you will get through the process.
Now how exactly do you go about forgiving yourself?
Where do you even begin? Sometimes you may feel as if you have damaged yourself to the extent that any thought of healing and renewal is impossible. You’re wrong. You can always restore yourself; you can always become a better version of who you once were.
In February 2007, Britney Spears shaved her hair. Fans were worried and critics had a field day with their questions and assumptions. People, in general, were confused and demanded answers. Initially I had my questions and snide comments, but after dealing with my share of rough patches, I understood why she shaved her hair: She wanted to start over.
When your bad choices weigh heavy on you, you’re forced to find a way, any way, to lighten the load. In September 2013, I shaved my hair too and it was a frighteningly beautiful experience. My hair had always defined me – my weaves and Afro garnered attention from boys and men alike. Cutting off my hair was my way of starting over.
I’m not urging any of you to shave their hair (it’s awesome. Do it!) but I am urging you to do something that takes the weight off and pushes you to start over.
Have you ever caught a sunrise? Set your alarm, sit outside and allow yourself to be mesmerized.
You know that hobby you neglected? Pick it back up again.
Exercising is great. Go on a 0 minute walk every morning; do yoga; jog for as long as you can; do lunges across your living room floor until your legs are screaming.
Find God. Even if you find him in the smallest of ways like saying a short prayer every morning, or fully investing yourself in Him by going to church regularly and studying His word. Find Him. It is worth. As I wrote about in my previous article, I found and lost God far too many times to count. But when I was finally sick of my restless soul, I went back to Him and I stayed. Getting closer to God made the forgiving process so much easier.
You hurt yourself and now you must love yourself again. You deserve that love more than anybody. You deserve better friends. You deserve to be alone and enjoy being alone. You don’t have to explain yourself. Do what you need to do to get to that point of utmost healing and joy.
You deserve to be happy again – all you have to do is take one step.
Love always,
Koromone.