Why I’m Waiting #2

Ifeoma, 23

I am not a virgin because I took my religion so seriously that I made it a point to keep my legs closed till marriage.  Surprisingly, God has had very little to do with it over the past few years.  I never considered myself religious so it was never my intention to keep myself till marriage. It just never happened. I only recently made the conscious decision to keep myself till marriage or till I feel comfortable enough with the person and he has passed all fuck boy tests. I still haven’t decided yet. Still working on that. To be honest I’m not sure I want to be a virgin on the night of my wedding but I digress. 

I have never been embarrassed to say that I am a virgin. It has never defined me or stopped me from behaving a certain way or interacting with people. So when it comes up especially with guys I’m just like “Yeah, I’m a virgin” or “No I haven’t had sex yet”. So far I haven’t gotten any ridiculous replies. They just kind of respect it and move on because of the type of person I am. I’ve been told I have a kind of nonchalant attitude towards things in general so I guess they’re just like “Yeah I guess that’s her”.

A-levels was also a very interesting time for me because while most of my friends were experimenting with their sexualities I just was not interested.  I went through a period where I honestly thought I was asexual. Now that I’m writing this I realize that I wasn’t asexual at all- I just had low self-esteem and way too many insecurities. At that point in time I didn’t see myself as someone that could be desired so I always played the role of the friend. Very happily, in fact. The first time I even considered my sexuality was towards the end of A levels when I found out a girl liked me. I was shocked because like I said I never saw myself like that. She was blonde, confident and pretty basically everything I thought I wasn’t. I met her through a friend and she made it clear she wanted me (and my lips). That kind of changed the way I saw myself. Nothing happened between us. We both knew I wasn’t a lesbian but it gave me a little bit of confidence.

In fact I did not have my first sexual experience till I was 19. I met him while I was on holiday. He was 24 and on the last day we had planned to go for a midnight swim. Of course we didn’t end up swimming because life happened. So as we sat on his bed waiting for midnight, talking and laughing, he kissed me. Hard. I was surprised because I did not even get any “I like you” vibes but he actually did (I have been oblivious to this too many times but that’s a story for another day.) Clothes came off, hands were all over the damn place, parts were touched and I remember thinking “this kind of feels nice.” It still did not make me want to have sex but it made me realize that I could enjoy stuff like this. Despite having zero experience (apart from kissing) it wasn’t awkward at all. He didn’t try to have sex with me and I was very grateful because I was not ready at all.

I can’t tell you exactly why I haven’t had sex yet it’s more than one reason and will probably require a couch and a therapist. I haven’t really had a serious relationship.