I have not been to church in a while, in like 6 months nor have I prayed. I have been stuck fighting a battle of right and wrong. There was once a time that I was in control of my feelings, but now I have become enslaved to them and that sucks. I miss the time where all that mattered was my relationship with God.
I recant, it is not a battle anymore in the fight between “Sarah and Feelings”. Feelings have won every time.. I blame those people that say follow your heart, because these days I can’t do anything but… I know something is a bad idea but I feel the need to follow through because “You can’t take back the things that you never said or did”.
And I am afraid that I am so far gone that I can’t turn back. It feels like every step I could take to turn back would hurt as hell. I was looking at myself the other day and I did not know who was staring back. To think that at a point last year, I wrote in my diary that I was the person that I wanted to be a few years ago.
So I am just here wondering what happened. Where did I reach the point where I thought it was okay to do what I want at the cost of the very person that I am?
Now, I can’t pray or ask God for anything and I’m hurting because he is my best friend. Well, was… He was my go to guy and now I have all these feelings and I don’t know what to do with them.
I pray before I eat, no matter what it is I eat, because that is the only conversation I can handle with God right now. I can’t bear to be in his presence because I know that he sees right through me and every night I try to pray but I end up in this state because the verse that resounds in me is Luke 6:46 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say?” so instead of doing what he says I have decided to stop saying “Lord, Lord”. I have decided to stop going to church because out of all the horrible things I feel I am hypocrite I am not nor do I like to lie or pretend. I’ll call it as it is, the only problem is I’m calling myself something that I do not like, and I know that I am right. I am quaking like a duck when I should be anything but right now.