Nigerian Lives: 5 Young Adults Talk About Navigating Friendship Breakups

Transitioning from adolescence to adulthood is a delicate period for people in their twenties. As they navigate the complexities of independence, many young adults rely on friends and peers for emotional support and guidance. However, these relationships, often formed with the expectation of enduring bonds, can sometimes become sources of profound disappointment and pain.

Culture Custodian delved into the experiences of five individuals who shared their stories of friendship dissolution. 

Irenose 

We were a friend group of three. We were very close, met each other’s families, knew nearly everything about each other, and even moved in with each other in uni. Things started getting weird when I was transparent with my earnings but I didn’t notice it till I said I wanted to move out. They suddenly became hostile to me, Which I would understand if I did something wrong but they told me in our joint group chat that I was of no use to them anymore. We even had a business together that was only alive because of me. 

The dissolution happened because I was a mumu. I couldn’t see that I was being used, I was trying to be Ms. Loyal Bestie until they fucked me out of my mental health. I felt horrible. I couldn’t eat or sleep right for a while. Now, I try not to make lasting relationships or put any energy into things if I’m not getting it back. If relationships don’t serve me anymore, I let myself out. Whatever trauma that follows me will wait till I have money for therapy.

Damilola

I had a friend who stopped being consistent in wanting to talk or hang out. Every time I asked she’d say she was okay. I found out from her brother that she left the country and some months later I reached out on Snapchat to confront her, she admitted to it saying she wasn’t in a good place to maintain friendships with me but she didn’t want to cut me off because you never know where someone in life ends up and we might reconnect. I cut her off. 

I’ve ended up having to cut off a lot of people as a young adult, sometimes because I realize our values don’t align (usually with cishet male friends). With girls, it’s more or less a clean and civil “You did me dirty and I’ve given you a long enough rope to do better, but you aren’t, be well and kindly fuck off.” I have a few friendships on hiatus because I called them out for seriously letting me down. I want them to do right by me, and do better. They need to figure their shit out so they don’t hurt me and I also won’t just sit around not changing and being better. 

The hope is that ultimately, I reconnect with them in the future. Ultimately I’m prioritizing myself and my conscience more. Do they make me happy? Can I live with myself knowing who these people are? Is it worth holding on to?

Harry

I had a close friend for almost a decade, he was pretty much my brother. We started some sort of business partnership together and unfortunately, it turned out that being good friends doesn’t exactly make them good business partners. We fell out based on a misunderstanding with a client, where I was accused of going behind his back to work on a deal and this wasn’t the case. The truth is I was the one who initially told him about the deal and he repeatedly told me he wasn’t interested, even though it’s a partnership and I felt the need to inform him since he’s my partner and he should know. After a series of back-and-forths, we fell out. It’s been 3 years now and it still hurts. 

I’ve realized now that accountability and introspection are important, so apart from recognizing the faults in others, I always try to look inward to find my own faults so I can be a better friend to the ones I have left. I’m no angel and even though I don’t think this last one was my fault, every day I take one step at a time to make sure I don’t fall into another situation like this. So for now, I try not to ruin the friendships I have and equally, I respect myself enough to know when to walk away if I’m overly disrespected and if my friendship is ever taken for granted.

Yinju

I lost my best friend because she always prioritized other friendships over the one we had while saying we were best friends, and I am a firm believer in people who will treat you how you’ve been presented to them. I felt awful and for the longest time, I thought about going back and making things work even though I knew it wasn’t best. I cried a lot and coped by just reminding myself that I still had friends who loved and cared for me deeply and that I did all I could to make our friendship work.

Missy

We were friends all through the years I was in secondary school, even when we had to be in separate states for a year during secondary school, due to family issues. She was my comfort zone. I know twenty children can’t be friends for twenty years, and this is not a case of not being able to let go. I just feel hurt and confused. I relocated via NYSC from where I was posted to the far North, in her city. Now, it was entirely because of her. She was excited and I was excited too. She offered to let me stay with her family. 

Honestly, I just wanted to see her and catch up. I told her about my flight schedule and other things. The day of the flight came and I flew in, she didn’t pick up my numerous calls that night. I stayed at my initial intended place for the night. I call and call, but she doesn’t pick up. So I decided she was busy with school. But then days went by, months went by. I contacted her brother who confirmed she was fine, I did this twice. It has been three months, and I still text sometimes at weak moments, but she doesn’t reply, I call but she doesn’t pick up. It feels like a mystery that there are no clues to solve, but I just have to move past it anyway. Someone recommended that I go to her school, which is in this city and not very far from me. But that’s hilarious, how do I find her? It doesn’t help that her brother and I have history so I can’t seek his help. I’m just trying to get my shit together.