Nigerian Lives: 6 Nigerians on Coming Out To Their Parents

Coming out can be a nerve-wracking and emotional experience, especially in a country like Nigeria where it’s against the law to just exist as a queer person. Instead of risking fourteen long years in prison, many queer people tell themselves that they will come out of the closet when they’re older and no longer under their parents’ thumbs, only to never do so. Yet, continuously hiding a part of oneself takes a toll, and in order to live authentically, it’s something that must be done.

This week, we’re sharing the personal stories of six individuals who have bravely shared their coming out experiences with their parents. From calm acceptance to painful rejection, these stories capture the range of reactions that come with being queer in a Nigerian household.

Ernest, 23

I’ve always known my mom is a lot freer than most African parents, but I was still terrified to tell her. One night, like two years ago, I think she noticed I was struggling to say something to her so she sat me down and said, “Ernest, I love you no matter what.”’ I was so shocked. She even apologized for not realizing sooner and asked how she could support me. We hugged and cried together. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now, she’s one of my biggest allies and keeps trying to introduce me to ‘nice young men’. It’s like she’s forgotten which country we’re in. 

Keke, 21

I initially planned to not tell my dad until I was fully grown and out of his house, but one day I had a fight with my younger sister and you won’t believe the coconut head went to tell him that I’ve been kissing girls. Imagine my surprise when he just smiled and said, “I already knew.” He even doubled down and added that, “I’ve been kissing girls since before you were born, you can’t hide from me.” We ended up having a great conversation and bonding over it. He even started learning more about the LGBTQ+ community to better understand me. It brought us a lot closer together. I can’t believe I was ever worried.

Danielle, 24

Maybe it’s because I’d been watching too much Netflix, but I genuinely thought my parents would accept me. They didn’t. They were furious and told me it was just a phase. It had to be a phase. They even threatened to disown me if I didn’t “change.” I’d been crying to God to change me for years and It didn’t work, it’s not like I chose to be this way. It was really hurtful. I felt like I’d lost my family. I had to seek support from friends and a therapist to cope with the rejection.

Kevin, 25

I came out to my parents when I was 22. It was one week before my convocation so I wasn’t too worried about the fallout. My father just disowned me straight up. My mother cried for days. I’m talking big fat sobs and rolling on the ground clutching her bible, even refusing to eat. She told me I was “broken” and “needed fixing” and was going to embarrass the family name. It was really hard to deal with. She tried to send me to deliverance in her church, but I refused. It took a lot of therapy and self-reflection to realize that her reaction wasn’t my fault.

Chinasa, 20

Since it’s pride month, I came out to my parents last week. They were mostly surprised, but they just shrugged and said, “Okay, that’s your business.” It wasn’t supportive, but at least they didn’t start shouting and screaming. They didn’t really understand, but they didn’t reject me either. It was a mixed bag, but I’m just glad we can still have a relationship.

Ufuoma, 21

When I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents, they just laughed and said, “You’re going through a phase” and “you’re too young to know what you want.” It was really frustrating. They didn’t take me seriously and thought I was just “confused.” This wouldn’t be the first time they’ve belittled me like that, but it really stung.