Notes on Male Privilege and Socialisation

by Kelechi Ibekwe

ON PRIVILEGE

Privilege is a complicated concept.

It is difficult to fathom and often easy to ignore for those who benefit, and potentially damaging to those who don’t. Society creates privilege and family units enforce it.

Gender roles are a hotbed of privilege discussions and should be as people become more enlightened and bolder in dropping out of old schools of thought. However, a lot of men and women are unable to understand why these issues should be discussed and made commonplace. After all, “women have equal rights as men, so what are they fighting for?”

Now, if you haven’t listened to the podcast episode of  “We Teach Girls” by MillennialZ, you probably should. It’s an interesting, conscience-lashing, mind-whipping and most of all, intimate discourse on the plight of women in our society. I say intimate because it gives a glimpse of some of the struggles women face in the course of existing.

Culturally, society leaves no room for emergence of an independent woman. All emphasis is placed on the dependence of a man on a woman.

WOMEN CAN’T DRIVE

Growing up, when hanging around the older boys, you’d hear things like “women shouldn’t be driving” or “they drive like mad people”. At that early age, one is incredibly impressionable and it’s impossible not to internalize some of that baseless information. We men were brought up believing that logic is the male gender’s school of thought while irrational reactions were things women were prone to.

These statements float around till they become conventional wisdom and before you know it, when that lady drives in a rough manner, you think “ typical woman”. Conventional wisdom is more often wrong than not and in Lagos, that danfo driver is more than enough proof.

“A HUSBAND IS NOT A JOB”

Coming from an Igbo perspective, you start to notice one or two discrepancies from that family friend whose wife never works and is always home. You ask around and realize Aunty has got two masters degrees, and in some cases, a PhD and you start wondering why she “chooses” to stay home and do nothing. On further investigation, you get to know Aunty didn’t choose, her husband insisted she stay home.

Now, this is quite common in marriages of Igbo extraction. A woman, well trained, incredible prospects career-wise is made to stay home because her husband feels he makes enough so she shouldn’t have to work.

It’s a complicated kind of love that is hierarchical in nature and places the man’s needs and desires above that of the woman’s. She is expected to have fickle expectations and be interested in simple things.

There are exceptions of course, but the exceptions should be the norm and the current norm, the exceptions.

My parents having witnessed so many examples of the helplessness of the women, some of whom were subsequently driven out of their homes by the same men, took an early stance against such things for their daughters. They tell their daughters to never depend on a man financially. This ideology is viewed as rebellious and potentially harmful to my sisters by some in my clan.

PRIVILEGE DOESN’T EXIST

For many, the issue of privilege is a non-starter (re: what are they fighting for?) and they would go to shocking lengths to prove what they do not understand.

I come from a semi-liberal family. I say semi-liberal because it is such a unique blend of traditional ideas and “modern” ones. My mom believes a man shouldn’t be a burden to his wife and that girls should wholly submit to their husbands. It contradicts my earlier statement on financial independence but that is the case. They learn to do things, not to be fully independent, but enough to not need a man to survive.

That meant me learning to cook, doing household chores and generally be useful enough around the home to not be a burden to my future wife.

However, I didn’t really practice anything beyond basic household chores. My sisters however didn’t have that option. It was compulsory. They needed to learn to cook, not to be self-sufficient as I was taught to be but to learn to make their homes happy ones. Privilege.

Regardless of the little chores I was given, I hated them and felt it was a chore for girls as I had grown believing that and always found a way to pass them on to the help. I was forgiven but I’m cocksure such errant behavior would never have been accepted from my sisters. Privilege.

Being praised for cooking as a guy was an instance of privilege I enjoyed without being aware I was so immersed in until recently. I would be praised for cooking for the home and occasionally, guests. Then my folks would slyly inform the guests that “their son” cooked that. Phrases like “Your son cooks? Wow”, “He tried”, “When did he learn?”, “His wife will be very lucky” amongst others did nothing but inflate my ego. It took a long time to realize girls do not get the same treatment as it is expected of them.

TRANSITION

It has been a hard transition from all the luggage of old established ideas, but it’s one I’m glad I’m making. The reason for this transition is founded on some open discussions with women who feel subdued and genuinely conflicted on doing what is best for them. Giving up careers, or avoiding aiming too high to prevent “future problems”.

I’ve shared some experiences that many of us have witnessed or experienced at one point or the other. It’s not easy to displace ideas you have grown up with but being better people means rising out of our caves and doing better.

So guys, let’s check our privilege maybe?