The Science of Dysfunctional Relationships In Funke Akindele’s “Finding Me”

The advent of social media and other forms of digital technology has made it easier to document dysfunctional relationships. In Nigeria, such relationships are closely associated with the family and romantic unions, and may include traces of physical and emotional abuse, parental neglect, child abuse, marital infidelity, sexual incompatibility and frustration, poor communication, violence and hostilities. An international source, Divorce.com, places Nigeria in 11th position with a 2.9 per cent rate among countries with the highest cases of divorce worldwide as of 2024. This implies there are 1.8 divorces out of every 1000 people in the same year. A semblance of these harrowing realities is woven into the texture of Finding Me, a comedy-drama film produced and directed by Funke Akindele.

Finding Me follows the attempts of Atinuke Phillips (Funke Akindele) to navigate a marital crisis and her obligations as CEO to her father Chief Olowoporoku’s (Dele Odule) company, Olowo Steels. For much of the film, she has to deal with her narcissistic and abusive husband Kolawole Phillips (Joseph Benjamin), petulant and envious older brother Dotun (Femi Adebayo), and a growing attraction to Anthony (Efa Iwara), while also maintaining a ride-or-die friendship with Sarah (Omoni Oboli). The film, amongst other issues, documents a woman’s journey through a dysfunctional marriage up to the stage of salvation and identity reclamation. It makes a bold statement on the importance of self-love and a strong sense of personal value within social institutions like family and marriage.

Three specimens of dysfunctional relationships exist in the film: the Kolawole-Atinuke marriage, the Anthony-Ndidi romantic relationship, and the sibling conflict between Dotun and Atinuke. The marriage between Kolawole and Atinuke is easily the most disturbing part of the plot and hints at the hidden problems that permeate many Nigerian marriages. This marriage is rife with domestic violence, particularly emotional abuse, deception, sexual incompatibility and marital infidelity.

In patriarchal societies like Nigeria, cases of physical abuse that involve the man attacking and inflicting pain on the woman to assert his authority in the home are commonly reported—even though the society frowns at them. On the other hand, emotional abuse is often downplayed and a man’s infidelity is culturally paraded as a pardonable offence. Through the Kolawole-Atinuke marriage, however,  Finding Me magnifies the subtle manifestations of emotional abuse and its debilitating effects on the mental health and confidence level of the affected partner. We realize how much disregard Kolawole has for his wife right from the opening scene where, in an aside, he bluntly speaks of his wife’s poor dress sense and mentions seeking sexual gratification outside marriage. We also have instances of him body shaming his wife in the presence of their child and domestic staff, and gaslighting her to protect his illicit affair with Rebecca (Sharon Ooja) who is Atinuke’s employee. He refuses to make love to his wife for months and hides his infertility problem while deceiving her into believing she has tubal occlusion. As such, Atinuke’s love for him remains unrequited, leading to her feeling frustrated and unfulfilled despite a thriving business career.

This insincere, transactional nature of modern relationships is also reflected in the romance between Anthony and Ndidi (Omowunmi Dada). Despite being in a three-year relationship with Anthony, Ndidi connives with her siblings Ifeanyi (Emeka Nwagbaraocha) and Ngozi (Sharon Rotimi), and mother (Tina Mba) in a ploy to scam Anthony. It also appears the young ladies are constantly involved in fraudulent relationships with other men—which captures the reality of romance in Nigeria where people, particularly young women from underprivileged backgrounds, prioritize dating above their social class or engaging in multiple romantic relationships at a time as a means to gain economic stability.

Sibling rivalry, according to Ifekwem et. al. (2021), is “a competitive relationship between siblings, often associated with a struggle for parental attention, affection, and approval, but also for recognition in the world”. In Nigeria, such conflicts may occur over family business and inheritance. We see this in the sibling relationship between Dotun and Atinuke in Finding Me which is portrayed as a one-sided rivalry triggered by their father’s preferential treatment and regard for Atinuke over Dotun. With Dotun made a subordinate to Atinuke in the leadership of the steel company, the older sibling constantly begrudges his sister. The difference in academic standing and behaviour contributes to these tensions: Atinuke, civilized, boasts two Masters degrees; whereas Dotun is unrefined and barely graduated from the polytechnic.

All of Funke Akindele’s projects in modern cinema touch on relatable themes such as family and marital values. Another common feature is the fine blend of comedy and drama to underpin everyday Nigerian realities  and appeal to the sensibilities of ordinary people. These efforts against elitism, her overwhelming social consciousness is probably the most likeable thing about Finding Me’s campaign against problematic relationships.