As Told By Ada: If They Say Sit Down, Then Sit Down

As Told By Ada is a Culture Custodian weekly series exploring the unique and often chaotic experience of navigating life as the oldest daughter in a Nigerian household. Over the course of these mini therapy sessions, we give you a peek into the ups, downs and lingering effects of growing up “the first.”

I was outside a lot when I was younger. We had large family gatherings and a lot of relatives streaming in and out of the house — there was always somebody staying with us. I lived in Warri till I was 5 and then we moved to Lagos. My aunty was lived with us at the time, and she moved to Lagos with us.

There was a huge difference in the way we lived when we got to Lagos. For one thing, my extended family no longer stayed with us as much, so there were less people in the house. I also saw my dad a lot less. 

My mom had to become very hands on and because of that, her parenting style changed from mostly chill to more … harried. 

In comparison, my dad was very calm. If I did something wrong, he would say little to nothing. Even when I got in trouble in school, he wouldn’t say too much. I think this was because we didn’t see him as often as we saw my mom — he didn’t really stay long enough to get very upset about anything. 

When you stay with children for a while, they really start to grate on your nerves and patience, but before my dad could get to that point, he would have left for work. My mom on the other hand, couldn’t really catch a break, and she was alone often. It was just us (the children) and her, which stresses her out a lot of the time but I guess that’s what she signed up for.

I have six siblings and to be honest, they’re a bit too much for even me, at times. My relationship with each of them differs. I generally have good relationships with my mom’s children (my dad has other children), but I’m not necessarily close to all of my siblings, probably because they’re much younger than me. My immediate younger sister and I are okay in the sense that I can talk to her and she can talk to me, but we’re not as close as we could be. 

Up until recently, my siblings had mostly been in my shadow  — I get a lot of attention. 

My sisters would piggyback off my needs, so if they wanted something, I would do the talking and they would go through me. My brother was babied a lot when he was younger because he was the only boy and he wasn’t denied much, meaning that they (my parents) have to be a bit tougher on him now. But he’s a teenager so he’s fighting back a lot and he clashes with them, so it’s all very … too little too late. 

If you ask me, they should have given him more responsibility when he was younger. 

I had a lot of responsibility growing up, the biggest one being taking care of my siblings, but my parents are generally softer on me when it comes to punishment and scolding and things like that. 

I think that’s because I know what is expected and I do what is expected — read your books, don’t do drugs, if they say sit down then sit down. I’m very obedient, I just do what they want. 

I’m trying to speak up more when I’m uncomfortable, and I feel justified in doing so because I do so much to make them happy that they should be able to make small adjustments for me. But generally, I don’t rock the boat too much.

I am constantly reminded that I’m the oldest. My aunty would emphasize that I had to take care of everybody. That was also one of the last things she said to me before she moved out of our house and then shortly passed on. When she left, all the caregiving she had been doing fell to me and in anticipation of this, she had given me instructions on how to play her role in her absence.

I play the role well, and I don’t consider myself rebellious. What my parents consider rebelling, I don’t consider rebelling. I can’t even think of a time they’ve caught me doing anything I wasn’t supposed to be doing, because I am so sneaky. 

I think that’s one of my best qualities, I never lose guard. I do things, and they never find out because I’m always on alert. I’ve silently been doing what I want for quite some time — they’ve just never been aware. What they don’t know can’t hurt them and they can’t hurt me. 

As much as I try to create my own happiness under the radar, there are times that I’ve gotten in trouble. Not because I’ve been caught doing any of the things I consider rebellious, but because their idea of rebellion is so unreasonable. There was this one time I slept over at my friend’s house and they were so upset. My dad called me the next day and was screaming because my mom had complained to him that I just left the house and stayed with my friend. That was very ridiculous to me, I couldn’t believe it and I was so angry I didn’t speak to them for a while. 

Mind you, the friend’s house is like five minutes away from mine. I could literally walk that distance and back. Their idea of rebellion is so strange. They might not join forces often, but they are very much on the same page when it comes to that. I told my dad I wanted to go out, and he said I was rebelling.

I have a good relationship with them individually, not as a unit. 

I feel like I live in two different households because I say one thing to my mom, and another thing to my dad. My stories never really clash because they don’t talk long enough for them to put two and two together. 

I try to be more opinionated when I’m talking to my dad. My dad understands the ambitiousness I have and things that have to do with goals and achievements, so I talk to him about that. My mom is more emotionally available so I talk to her about things of that nature. 

It all works out well.

When I think back on my childhood, I see that my mom should have been more opinionated as well. I needed to have that example. It took me years and moving out of the house for university for me to learn to speak up for myself more. My dad could have also listened more, not just to me but to people around him generally. I can be very stubborn and I know I got that from him. 

They both should have been more aware of the fact that children watch and see everything. I’m the oldest, so I  picked up on everything that went on in the house. I don’t think they realized that. 

My mom gives a lot, and in any relationship, I tend to do the same thing whether it’s with friends, lovers, anybody. These days, I tell her she needs to think of herself too. With her as my example, I used to put a lot of effort into trying to make the person I was in a relationship with happy, even if it was at my expense. 

What I’m trying to do now, though, is ask myself what I want. If someone does things that I don’t want to be done to me, I express my displeasure and if necessary, I leave. I’m also trying to learn that I shouldn’t carry the burden of other people’s actions — I can’t control everything, and it’s not my responsibility to fix everything. 

I’m also starting to take my own approach to things like religion. They always say the oldest daughters are supposed to be praying like mad, but to each their own. Me, I don’t know anything about that. 

I grew up in the church, so at a point I was really into the whole religion thing because that was what was expected of me, and also because I was looking for something more … I can’t really say I found it. 

I’m trying to figure out what works for me now. I don’t feel like I should be obligated to perform anything that should be personal to me. I shouldn’t be forced to be religious or to be a churchy person. 

I know I don’t want a lot of children when I’m older, but I know that I want two or three. I’ve observed enough from my childhood to know what to do and what not to do; I would pay more attention to my family and communicate more with my partner so that parenting will be more of a team effort. I will also try to be more patient than they were, and ask for help when I need it. 

Trying to navigate the world, figuring everything out on my own really affected my mental health when I was younger. Now, I wouldn’t say it does as much. 

There was the pressure to make sure I didn’t fail and a lot of that pressure I put on myself, but these days I just let it go and I try to do things that make me happy. 

If this story feels familiar, you can share your own experience, drop a thought, or simply let off some steam through this form.